Mama Sass

Mama SassMama Sass is an incognito working mother of two who lives in Miami and writes about moms in pop culture. She hides her identity to spare her daughters (and mother-in-law) the embarrassment.

The Lesson of Harbaugh’s Loser Khakis

Now maybe he’ll let her throw the khakis out.

The San Francisco 49ers lost their shot at the Super Bowl this past weekend and I know what’s to blame. Those $8 khakis that their coach, Jim Harbaugh, buys at Walmart.

Men should know it’s bad karma to cling to clothing their wives clearly abhor.

Harbaugh’s wife, Sarah, has been trying to get rid of those ugly pants for awhile now. She told a San Francisco radio station that she threw the pants away last year and her husband just went out and bought more. 

“I will not take the blame for his outfits,” she told the station. “I’ve thrown them away many of times. I’ve asked him, ‘Please, pleats are gone, wear flat-front (pants)’ … He pulls them up to the middle of his stomach and I’m like, ‘This is not a good look. You’re aging yourself 15 years. You look like Rain Man.’ ”

If Rain Man had listened to his wife maybe he wouldn’t have had to listen to Richard Sherman

If you’ve been married to somebody long enough, there’s bound to be something in his closet you’re dying to get rid of. According to a 2011 survey by Kelton Research, 32 percent of women, or one out of three, admit that they’ve secretly gone into their husband or boyfriend’s closet and thrown away some of his clothing.

For me, it was those loud Hawaiian print shirts. They looked like somebody at a luau had vomited pineapples and silhouettes of girls dancing all over the inside of our closet. I love palm trees and flowers. I just don’t want to see them adorning my man’s body. 

I can’t remember how I convinced him to chuck ’em (maybe all those Magnum P.I. jokes worked), but they are long gone from our closet and I am a happier wife for it. He definitely racked up some Super Bowl points with that one. 

The same can’t be said for one of my good friends, whose husband – let’s call him Tony the Tiger to protect his embarrassed family’s identity – still possesses a pair of baggy green and white animal striped Zubaz. 

I had forgotten about these horrendous Hammer-hybrid sweatpants. (I think they were stored in the same dark place in my memory bank where I tucked away Joey Buttafuoco.) But Tony the Tiger is still clinging to the 5-year-old rumor that Zubaz are making a comeback. Meanwhile, his marriage is in jeopardy, and he has absolutely no shot at the Super Bowl. 

What does your husband have closeted away that you are dying to chuck? That stretched-out Speedo? Those ugly acid-washed, high-waisted jeans? Cowboy boots? Ed Hardy shirts? Share your pain and let the purge begin.


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