Go out and play?

[CharPacenti]

The other day at an editors meeting, we were kicking around story ideas for summertime, many of us lamenting the lack of freedom that kids have today.

Not only are kids not allowed to bike around the neighborhood, in many cases, but most probably don't even play unsupervised in their own yards.

We were wondering why that is and whether parents are justified in their fears that harm is lurking at every turn.

I ask myself that sometimes.

But as an editor in the local newsroom for the past 15 years, with a close-up view of all kinds of tragedies and freak accidents, I just can't help it.

The worry creeps through my thoughts in imaginary headlines:

"4-year-old breaks neck in fall from small tree.''

"Second-grader snatched on four-block walk to school.''

I imagine the TV crews on my front lawn, the perfectly coiffed anchor asking neighbors who don't even know me, "What was her mother thinking?''

My girls are not allowed to play in the front yard after a car went out of control recently, slammed into a stop sign and plowed into my neighbor's yard.

When they were younger, I didn't even let them play in the fenced back yard unsupervised. Even though we have a fence around our pool, our next-door neighbor does not.

Now they are both proficient swimmers. But still ... that little one is a climber. And she likes to play with sharp sticks. And balance on rocks ...

What do you think? Are we worrying ourselves silly?
Do you let your kids play outside on their own? Walk to school alone? Should we be letting go, just a little bit?

[hbisbee]

I don't think that a parent could ever be TOO cautious. You know the limits of your child and you know your neighborhood and/or surroundings and the past events that are surrounded around them. Many things have changed in 10-20 years, communities are growing and with that, so are the amount of crazy, irresponsible and ignorant people. There is more traffic as well. Any combination of those first two things (crazy people and more traffic), something is bound to happen at some time.
As far as kids getting hurt goes...kids are kids, some are going to get hurt. You can't prevent your kid from getting bumps and bruises. I feel that if you are one of those parents that are constantly underfoot trying to prevent them from getting hurt, you're wasting your time and you can find something else to do with that time. If they get hurt, be there to pick them up, brush them off and kiss it all better.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is we have to use our common sense. If the environment is right for unsupervised play, let the kids run free. If you are unsure, play it safe and go with your gut of being protective and restricting what your child does. You'd rather be safe than sorry.

[Tropicofmom]

My boy is still a toddler, so I definitely have to watch him at this age.

We live near a park, and I can tell you there are plenty of parents who don't watch their children who are there. They might not even know where they are! If they only knew the kinds of things that are going on ...!

[Philoctetes]

As a schoolteacher, I can testify that children today are different, less vigorous, less responsive, even less alive, because they never have unmanaged play.

And as a father, I have a different perspective. I hope it is welcome, even though this is a moms' forum.

There has always been a balance between mothering and fathering, with mothers protecting and nurturing children and fathers tossing those same kids in the air and taking them on adventures. Mom often carries her baby facing in, toward her body, while Dad faces his child out toward the world. Both perspectives are needed.

But many dads have quit their job fathering. This leaves the enfolding arms of mothers with no counterbalance, no father to turn children's gaze outward. Mothers are now leaving their posts as well, but they are usually replaced with other women at daycare and school, who in their jobs naturally put safety above adventure.

Of course, these are stereotypes. But there is a truth to them. Children naturally are drawn toward the comfort and safety of a parent's arms, whether it is a mother or a father. And they naturally love the excitement of exploring their world, even if a woman leads them. But until we decide once again to father children as well as mother them, our children will be unhealthy, ill in a way that is more dangerous to them than the remote chance of kidnapping.

[applejuice]

Well said, Philoctetes. The role of fathers cannot be underestimated! We moms and our children need you. I hope more dads continue to step up to the parenting plate.

[CharPacenti]

Here's an interesting column on "free-range parenting'' in which a NYC mom lets her 9-year-old ride the subway alone. She makes some good points. How will our kids ever be able to survive on their own, if we don't give them the chance to learn? Read it here:

http://www.creators.com/opinion/lenore-skenazy/why-i-let-my-9-year-old-ride-the-subway-alone.html

[jmailander]

I agree that kids need to play outdoors on a regular basis, but dismissing parents' reservations about letting them have unsupervised play outside isn't really fair. It goes way beyond irrational stranger danger fears, especially in a city like Miami. Most of us live on or near busy roads and Miami is notorious for being intolerant of bicyclists. Sending your kid to roam the streets on his bike seems pretty irresponsible. You'll find him on the side of the road in a body bag, with some raging motorist denying responsibility. There's also the issue of crime. We just had a shooting literally in the middle of our street last month and I don't consider my neighborhood high-crime. The same people who tsk-tsk over parents not letting their kids roam free are the same ones quick to accuse us of negligence. They'll be the first to ask, "Where were his parents?"

[CharPacenti]

There's an interesting article from The London Observer on how kids need to be able to take some risks in play to develop their resiliency.

A major study by Play England, part of the National Children's Bureau, found that half of all children have been stopped from climbing trees ... and 17 per cent have been told they cannot take part in games of tag or chase. Some parents are going to such extreme lengths to protect their children from danger that they have even said no to hide-and-seek.

The article goes on to say that last year, almost three times as many children were admitted to hospital after falling out of bed as those who had fallen from a tree. [Probably because they aren't allowed to climb trees?]

As the mother of a 4-year-old monkey girl, I can certainly empathize with those who want to keep their kids' feet on the ground. But I have to admit my dd has a keen sense of balance. And while she will shimmy up any available structure the minute I turn by back, she rarely falls. [Knock on wood]. I can only think that sense of derring-do will serve her well down the road.

Read the whole article here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2008/aug/03/schools.children

[lissettemendez]

Someone above said something about assessing the neighborhood you live in etc. And I agree. I grew up in Miami Beach when it was still a sleepy, waterside town best known as "heaven's waiting room." How many cars drove down my block? Almost none. Now the same corner is snarled in traffic AND probably trafficked by people leaving famed South Beach watering holes with questionable blood alcohol levels. Things have changed. In the neighborhood I live in now, two blocks from Biscayne Blvd. a small child was killed by a motorist on the way home from school. So no, I would not let my son play tag and football in the street the way I did, though I am the first to admit that the statistical chances of this hapening again are minimal. I have a backyard. When he gets old enough he can go back there and climb trees and run his butt off. I have no problem with that. Will he play in the front yard? No. Am I unduly paranoid of freaks? Maybe...but I live in an urban area that is still "in transition," which means there is still drug-related activity near by. And a little prostitution. Just a little.

We will take him to the park and I will sit and read my book while he dives head-first from the monkey bars...but will I drop him off there and go back home? No. Not in present day Miami. Maybe if I lived on the set of Leave It to Beaver. And if someone wants to call me overprotective, so be it.

I think all of a sudden there is this whole "beat up on the parents for not letting kids play in traffic" trend. Isn't there a book, an expert, a study for everything/about everything to just make parents even more paranoid and guilty? Maybe we DO need to loosen up our kids' schedules, maybe we do need to leave them to skateboard off the front steps/jump off the roof of the house in a Batman costume while we close our eyes and pray to our deity of choice. But we also need to listen to our guts and follow our instincts--only we know our children and our surroundings.

And I think we also need to consider where we are at as a society. Our jobs, whether both parents work or only one parent works outside the home, expect us to put in, 50-60 hours a week. This is a documented fact--Americans are working more hours now than they did in the 70s. And often both parents have to work these many hours to make ends meet. This is also documented--people are working longer for less money (adjusted for inflation) than they did in the 70s. I remember my firt full time job in an office in 1989/1990. We came in at 9 a.m. EVERYONE took an hour for lunch, and EVERYONE left at 5 p.m. These days the official work hours are often 8.5-9 hours because employers are not "covering" lunch. I could go on. And please don't ask me to footnote this diatribe because I am at work and don't have time.

But, it is my hunch that time is much more structured for adults...and that this is being reflected in the way we are structuring our children's time. If we are at work till 6p.m. and then we have to fight traffic for an hour (I get home in 10 minutes, but my trade off is a bit of urban roughness...) aren't we going to tend to organize our children's lives so that they are cared for by adults? And not always sucked into the boob tube?

Anyhow...I better get off the soapbox.

Today, let's give ourselves a pat on the back--for loving our children, for doing the best that we can, for taking care of them no matter what.

[carylfantel]

WOW! Lots of great perspectives here. Lissette, especially, makes some excellent points.

When I lived in Manhattan (more than 25 years ago) and worked in after-school programs, the City wasn't as well-run and cleaned up as it became soon afterward. And parents were letting their kids walk themselves to and from school, take mass transit alone, etc. It was surprising to me but it was commonplace...and that was New York City!!! I believe in teaching kids to be independent, but that always seemed more than a little crazy to me!

Now that I have my own kids, I've learned that people will do what makes them comfortable. My husband and I have had lots of discussions about how the world seemed so different when we were growing up -- how we'd ride mass transit alone, ride our bikes long distances alone, play outside for hours unsupervised (and with no cell phones to keep in touch!), etc.

It saddens us that our kids miss all these opportunities, but we constantly try to compensate in other ways. And since I have one child in college now, I can tell you that we were pretty successful in our efforts to teach her independence. Even though much of her out-of-school time was structured, as many of you have previously mentioned, we did all we could to find opportunities for her to "spread her wings." Here are some suggestions for teaching age-appropriate independence:

Making a phone appointment or inquiry for your child? Let them listen to you and, eventually, start making these calls themselves with you listening. Before you know it, they'll be able to take responsibility for certain things themselves. My older daughter became a great speaker and handled many leadership roles, and even learned to interview well because of this. When it came time for her to be interviewed for internships, scholarships, etc., she was ready!

Find established summer programs for your kids to participate in away from home. Either in middle or high school, depending on your financial situation and your child's readiness and interest, find something like a "People to People" or other educational/social program for them to attend, starting with a week-long or 10-day program. You'll be amazed at the personal growth they'll experience, even from a "structured" program.

Trust me, letting your kid participate in organized religious group weekends, conventions, camps, educational programs, whatever, can make a huge difference in their self-confidence and social skills and, most, important, it'll give you the opportunity to adjust to their growing ability to handle responsibility and be aware of the world around them. That's key to making you feel comfortable with them being "on their own" a bit more each year.

Once they're ready for college, it'll be a "piece of cake" for you and for them, because they'll have already experienced going into a new situation and not knowing anyone...and they'll know they can handle themselves and make new friends because everyone's in the same boat. It really works! Just go slowly and do your homework about any program/situation you choose for them.

We can't control the world around ourselves and our kids, but we can control how we prepare them to handle it.